The Karate Kid

Mad Science Time! Come with me, as we descend into my secret underground laboratory. There, we will perform a an experiment of hideous evil upon Mr Will Smith. Using the Anti-Charisma Ray, we will strip Mr Smith of all his charm and style. Obviously, as Mr Smith is a pretty charming guy, this will reduce his size significantly, leaving him a four foot tall irritating smartarse. I shall call my creation "Jaden Smith" and unleash him on the world, as revenge for all the shit the world has given me over the years.

Seriously, this kid is the fucking pits.

So, this kid, who goes by the name "Dre" in the movie, for fuck's sake, has to move to China with his mum, for no adequately explained reason. His mum allegedly works for a Detroit car company, who have relocated her to Beijing for no adequately explained reason.

So, having just arrived, Dre goes out into the park, tries to act like a big man, tries to chat up a local girl who's playing a violin, and is set upon by a gang of lads led by a kid called Cheng who has the cold, dead eyes of a killer. Cheng proceeds to beat the living shit out of Dre. I like him already.

Anyway, this is otherwise just like the original Karate Kid, so these dudes continue to make Dre's life a misery, and Dre continues to whine about it. Eventually, a local handyman steps in to sort it all out. Fortunately, the local handyman is Jackie Chan, which leads to the only halfway good bit of the movie. Though actually, there's nothing all that fun about watching Jackie Chan beat up six teenagers. They're horribly outclassed, and but for the fact that they won't learn and back down, it's practically child abuse.

So, anyway, to rescue Dre from their revenge, they visit the dojo these kids train at, and the challenge is laid down, Dre vs all of them in a tournament in a month, so long as they leave him alone while he trains.

Cue training montage. Much of which takes place on a suspiciously deserted section of The Great Wall of China. This is the bit where you would hope that Dre would cease to be a self-important little snot, learn some humility along the way, but, no, he doesn't. And then onto the tournament where the evil No Mercy Dojo try and cheat their way to the win, with the intention of permanently crippling the kid on the way. Again, I can't really fault them on this.

So... no, I hate this film. Jackie Chan's real strength is in physical comedy, and we get none of that here. Jaden Smith is dreadful, and they only way he could make a film better would be by dying just prior to filming starting. The rest of it is terrible, terrible cliche and stereotype. Chinese Girl With Disapproving Father. Evil No Mercy Dojo Who Hate Western Devils. Training Montage. Random, Pointless Cameo From Local Landmarks. School With No Ability Whatsoever To Prevent Bullying Of The Most Open And Violent Kind. Bleah. There are only two things to enjoy in this film. First, some of the cinematography is nice. Second, Jaden Smith gets brutally beaten up a few times. Only not really.

The thing is, annoying as he is, nobody could (or at least should) gain any satisfaction from watching bullies beat up a smaller kid. Imagine you're back at school, and you see a bunch of vindictive little thugs beating up the annoying kid in your class. And you don't help. You tell yourself that you're afraid to, that you'll get beaten up yourself, and so you couldn't help anyway. But really, you know that it's because you don't want to help. And you feel sick with yourself, because that makes you just as bad as them. That's how this film makes me feel.

In reposting these reviews, I noticed my review for The Day The Keanu Stood Silently Staring At People, and am pleased to see that I've been consistent in my derision of Jaden Smith.