The Expendables

I have this idea that at some point, the following meeting took place between Stallone and a studio exec somewhere. "It'll be great," says Stallone."I'm in it, I've got Jason Statham, I've got Jet Li. Bruce Willis has agreed to appear, so's Arnold, so's Dolph, I've got people like Stone Cold Steve Austin, all kinds of people. It'll be epic. The greatest action movie cast ever assembled." "Great!" says the exec. "What's it about?"
Stallone stops, and a looks as if he hasn't understood the question. He pauses, and thinks about it for a long time, and finally says "Does it matter?"


Basically, it's the most generic action movie possible. A group of tough guys are hired to go kill the leader of a fictional South American banana republic, which is under the control of a military dictator and a shadowy ex-CIA spook. They initially botch the job, but go back in to finish the job and rescue the Generalissimo's daughter who was helping them, and left in harm's way. This is all by the by, though. The whole thing is just an excuse for the various tough guys involved to punch, stab, shoot, strangle and blow each other up. I'm somehow put in mind of a sandbox video game like Grand Theft Auto, where there's a mission, and a storyline, but the guy who's currently playing it is more interested in dicking around with guns and explosives.

Ultimately, the plot's paper thin, there's no performances worthy of the word, no dialogue to speak of, and pyrotechnic special effects which are more interested in quantity than quality. There were a couple of very big explosions in there somewhere, but for all the noise and attention seeking, you'll often find yourself having missed ten minutes of it or so, because your attention was elsewhere, considering whether there really were more toffees in your bag of Revels, or whether it just seems that way because you don't like them as much, and they're more of a chore to deal with. Your attention might be brought back by the occasional sudden stabbing or kneecapping, but you'll just think "ugh, that was unpleasant", before going back to wondering why your seat is so uncomfortable, and whether the position of the drink holder at the end of the arm is particularly ideal.

Nobody is a bigger fan of the mindless action film than me. I look forward to Vin Diesel movies. But this, it's got no flair, no elan, no audacity, no sense of theatre. Statham looks bored. Jet Li looks embarassed. Stallone looks like he's got Alzheimers, and everyone else is humouring him. Dolph just looks happy to be working again. You can occasionally see him grifting the extras for spare change in the long shots.

This thing is tragic. Because everyone on the big list of stars that they're so proud of having assembled can be confident that this is the worst film they ever made. And I'm including Stone Cold Steve Austin in that.